Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
