I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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