the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
