sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
