from now on my penis is your penis
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
