I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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