the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
