I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
