I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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