My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I want a musical about memes.
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