So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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