So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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