Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
