so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
