I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
