i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
