remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
