I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
