shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
