made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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