I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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