and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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