If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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