You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
