u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
