I'm lost and stupid without you.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
