clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
