i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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