the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
