glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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