Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
