I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
