I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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