So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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