its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i think i just lost a toe
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
