I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Life is so much better after having sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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