He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
