the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
