i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
