Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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