So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
