Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
