if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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