I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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