well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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