I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
