Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
