FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
