I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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