I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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