I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
